One of the things that stuck out to me the most in my diagnosis report was that I was described to be someone with a lack of sense of purpose and direction in my life, and being uncertain about major life issues. At the time, this was understandably a discouraging part of it. I mean, the report was basically implying that I was going through an existential crisis, like I was wandering aimlessly through life without a sense of meaning or any idea of what I wanted to do with my life.
In a certain regard, the report was correct. At the time the report was made, I was going through a very trying time in my life where depression, anxiety, and loneliness were common traits day after day. While I’m certainly a lot better now, and have improved in more ways than one since then, I still sometimes struggle with trying to figure out what exactly is my purpose in life and what I’m here on this earth for. Now, the traditional Christian perspective would say that you’re here because God put you here and your actions are meant to glorify Him and point in His direction. While this is all well and good and there’s certainly nothing inherently wrong with that, the Bible also says that God has a plan for your life.
That last part seems comforting enough. Okay, so God has a plan for my life, meaning I’m guaranteed to get something meaningful done while I’m here. Cool. So what’s there for me to worry about exactly? For me personally, I struggle with timing when it comes to just about everything. When nothing is getting done within the timeframe that I want things to happen, it worries me and makes me slightly paranoid. I grow more hyperaware of how I’m spending my time but I don’t know what to do at the moment in order to fix that. I know that I want to get published, but almost every book I start I never finish, and when I try ‘harder’ to write a book, I tend to lose interest fast. Because of my narrow interest in variety, I’m stuck on trying to do only two or three things. I’m more of an ideas person than someone who actually gets things done.
I love talking to people and getting to know as many as I can, and I usually look at things from a very psychological standpoint, so not only do I tend to analyze people and their actions but I also tend to analyze characters from movies, books, and video games. Sometimes I’ll analyze a movie, stop for a while, then go back to it a year later and either just go over everything I’ve gone over before or tackle it from a completely different angle. This is one reason why I feel like I would spend a good use of my time writing essays or doing video essays (with the latter, that would technically mean writing an essay first).
So I know that I have talents even if they don’t spread as wide or have as much variety as I might like. The question is, how am I going to utilize my talents to make something meaningful out of them? Additionally, how am I going to muster the motivation to do this?
Yeah, this isn’t one of my how-to posts with solutions and all that, but a personal ponder of mine that I was having today. Maybe these were exactly the kinds of words you needed to read. Maybe you’re having the exact same trouble as I am and you find it comforting to know you’re not alone, in which case I’m glad I can give you that feeling. For everyone else, I’m sure you can relate in one way or another. I believe we all reach a point in our lives where we don’t know where we’re going or what we want to do, and there’s nothing to be ashamed of for that. The trick to combating uncertainty is to do something, be it big or small. It can be a paper describing exactly how you feel, it can be an essay, it can be a job search. Something is bound to get you back on your feet and get you started with something, and I’m going to try doing the same.